You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
