I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
