i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
