He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
