It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
There's even glitter on my cock...
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