If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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