So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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