Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am spending my child support on dildos
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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