??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize