i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
