This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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