I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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