Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
