Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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