At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
