Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
