he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
