i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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