I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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