i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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