I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
