I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
