Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
