My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
