The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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