I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
