last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
How external is "for external use only"?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
