Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
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