I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
