I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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