I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
