it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
