He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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