Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
