when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
