I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
