I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
