Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
