wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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