none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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