it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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