Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Randomize
