he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
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