Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
what day is it and did you see me today?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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