On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
