Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
