i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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