I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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