I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Randomize
