Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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