when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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