I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
