I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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