either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Randomize
