we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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