she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
