Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
