So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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