I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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