Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
