im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
