i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
