but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
