yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
