i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
