how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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