y did u give ur computer a hand job?
My cat gives me a boner
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
