And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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